…Inside The Black Man's World


December 24, 2011

Let Me Get Myself Together

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Written by: sgaither
Tags: , , ,
Kid Cudi

I just scanned my Facebook profile and it says I have over 1,100 friends. Some of them I grew up with, some I barely know and some I have no idea how we’re connected. I also have a lot of friends who pose deep, thought provoking questions. One such friend, a professional journalist and fashion expert recently asked:

Riddle me this: What do men find to be “intimidating” about a woman whose not in distress, loving life and not carrying baggage? Wouldn’t finding a woman like that be like finding a valuable needle in a haystack these days?

The only type of man that is put off by a woman who has herself together is the man that feels that he does not.

Pretty powerful question, huh?

My initial response was that most sane men don’t want a damsel in distress. I know I don’t. The only type of man that is put off by a woman who has herself together is the man that feels that he does not. In this type of situation, it has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with the man himself.

Most men can tell a good woman when we see one. We know that a lot of sisters out there are doing the damn thing –getting their degrees, holding down jobs and taking care of themselves. We see you. We admire you. We value your opinions and are genuinely proud of you.But we won’t date you? Why?

Because you’re ahead of us. There…I said it.

It is my sincere belief that a real man wants to take the lead role in a meaningful relationship. Not a controlling role, a lead role. But it’s impossible to lead from behind.

“Why,” you ask? You don’t want to compete with us, you just want a meaningful relationship. That may be true, but at the end of the day, a man who feels that he brings less to the table than a female is going to feel inadequate. And trust me, the last thing you want is a man who feels inadequate. He may never say it, most men never do, but eventually both of you will know it.

Every man has his own standards of what it means to have his stuff together. It may be a dollar amount in his bank account. It may be driving a certain type of car or having a house of his own. Whatever his definition of success is, until he has it, he’s more likely to pursue a woman who “needs” him because the situation makes him feel better about himself than to constantly have to measure up to someone he feels is ahead of him.

So what’s a happy, successful female to do with herself? Keep enjoying her life and realize that when the right man comes around and the right time, you’ll be much happier than settling for someone who isn’t ready for you.

Missed my last post: Where The (Young) Ladies at?

About the Author

Award-winning college journalist. Serial Blogger. Old School R&B fanatic. Stonecold Gentleman.




  1. jeremazing

    I hear this reasoning quite often and i respectfully disagree. Anyone who deems there worth our feels inferior or unworthy to another person based off of degrees, money, or material stuff is measuring themselves by the wrong thing. None of that qualifies or disqualifies anyone. When I was in lack, I knew I was as significant if a man as I am now with some money and degrees. Women knew it too. My position in life,wherever it is, is temporary; who I am never changes. We should strive to manifest greatness (materially academically, etc) while never confusing what truly makes us “ready” to be responsible men lest we be grown boys with money and degrees. Peace

    • Jason

      First of all you need to use spell check when leaving a comment – you are giving the impression that males don’t pay attention to grammar or spelling. Second I understand and agree with what the author wrote I believe he’s just pointing out insecurties one might have when dealing with the opposite sex. Men want to feel superior (even if we are not), just allow us to think it and in most cases (not all) that’s all that is needed.

      That’s my take on it…

  2. Jeremazing

    Jason, thank you for your great concern over my spelling (typing on a phone) and how it reflects on males globally. Based on your comment, it would appear you missed my point as you restated what Steven made abundantly clear as if I missed his. I caught it and understand fully. I disagreed, which is why I said I disagree. Perhaps the restatement and clarity of his point was for our own benefit. Now that you have that, read my comment as it should make more sense to you this go round. By the way, if you need to feel superior than your woman, you aren’t ready for a woman. Typed from my iPad this time for your benefit.

  3. Jason

    We could go back and forth on this all night! I guess that’s why people are different and have different opinions on things… I’ll leave it at that as I think this is a GREAT post.

  4. Afrodesia

    Folks ask me all the time why I don’t have a man. I’m a ‘reasonably’ established, but highly confident woman. There have been a few men who I ‘ve shared a great chemistry with, but they never got to the point of commitment to me. How can a woman not take that rejection personally? But I like your answer much better Steven…lol. I can totally understand that mindset. I just wish guys would realize that a good woman will be your PARTNER (and a good partner knows how to motivate and how to gracefully ‘submit to your superiority, real or imagined,’..lol) which makes success that much easier to achieve.

  5. Sharon SHAYE Gray

    BRAVO. Excellent article and great for discussion with my various groups.

    Wow.. I’ve read various versions of this type of article and it’s pretty real. Being successful and well educated, I have encountered some men who tell me that lame excuse, ‘you intimidate me or I just don’t feel like I measure up and whatnot’. I tell them to keep it movin’. I won’t dumb down myself to make a man feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I do want a lover, friend and future companion and I’m not this super diva who says: WOMAN POWER ONLY but for the most part, I’ve worked my butt off to get where I am and I’m proud of it and would like a man to be as well.I’m really feeling the very last paragraph of the article. It speaks volumes. AMEN
    So what’s a happy, successful female to do with herself? Keep enjoying her life and realize that when the right man comes around and the right time, you’ll be much happier than settling for someone who isn’t ready for you.

  6. Miss Avid

    I can only speak from my own experiences here, but when I was single and had my ish pretty much together I found men where very attracted to me. Men love that look!
    Tight body, well dressed, new car, etc (sh*t together) etc…
    I also made it clear I didn’t want or need a man for material things. My mission was to find a life partner, one that would give me the respect & affection that I deserve & couldn’t buy.
    That being said, I believe no matter what (this article is right) a man needs to be happy & confident within him self.
    *Just one woman’s point of view :)

  7. Miss Avid

    I have to say and hope I don’t offend anyone… I think this can also be a great excuse if a man don’t wanna be with you. I’ve always found a man to drag & try to deal with any & all his insecurities to be with a woman he can’t be without. If he can’t live without your goods, he has not much choice. lol

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