whatblackmenwant
…Inside The Black Man's World
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Columns

February 7, 2012

Love and Marriage in Black and White

Greg Jones

Love is a beautiful thing. Finding someone that you can actually picture yourself loving for a lifetime is an experience that I hope to feel first hand at some point in my life. I imagine once you think you’ve found that person, you want to let them know how special it feels. So I understand why New York Giants rookie linebacker Greg Jones wanted to surprise his longtime girlfriend, Amanda, by proposing to her at the Super Bowl. This post isn’t about Jones’ proposal, but it is inspired by it.

As soon as I saw the headline, “Giants rookie proposes to girlfriend on the field after Super Bowl,” I already knew what awaited me. I hoped and silently prayed that brother Jones was proposing to a Tasha, Tamika or Tonya, even though I knew in my heart that he wasn’t. My assumption was confirmed when I saw the screenshot of the teary brunette. It was eerily similar to Boise State’s Ian Johnson’s proposal after the 2007 Fiesta Bowl.

I’m going to ask the question that many probably asked themselves in the wake of this story: Why can’t the sister’s ever get a spectacular proposal?

I’m sure that there were probably dozens of other hopeful Black women on that same field who would have given their left rib for their man to pop the question to them.

Not just serial baby mamas and gold diggers, but genuinely good Black women who manage their mate’s money, take care of the children and will be there to stand by them long after they’ve hung up their cleats. If Basketball Wives have taught us anything, it’s that brothers don’t mind making babies with these women, but few of them ever get the dignity of actually becoming Mrs. Ballplayer. (After watching the show, I can understand why these particular women didn’t make the cut, but still.)

I’m tired of seeing athletes and entertainers, not to mention regular brothers, put White women on a pedestal while Black women are regarded as little more than breeders. I’m all for loving whoever you’re with, but Brothers we have to do better by the Sisters.

Our women, and our children, deserve it.

Did you miss Let Me Get Myself Together? check it out, after you leave a comment!!!



About the Author

sgaither
Award-winning college journalist. Serial Blogger. Old School R&B fanatic. Stonecold Gentleman.




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24 Comments


  1. Jan

    You’re just mad because you can’t get yourself a white girl. If you weren’t so uptight you could probably snatch yourself a few. You know us white girls love some suit wearing, college educated black guys.


    • Lol? Mad because I can’t get a white girl? That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day…I have family members who date Caucasian women and I don’t treat them any differently. I’m not anti-White women, I’m just pro-Black women.


      • Well brother Gaither, in my experience White women see any black male that is “pro-black female” as being “Anti-White women”. There is no dividing of loyalties with them. Either you bow to their artificially created position and dethrone your mother, grandmother, sisters, nieces, daughters and all the other BLACK females in your lives for them or you are “anti-them” and of course being that they participate in and maintain the system of White Supremacy and enjoy it’s benefits, you must “naturally” want them instead of a female who reflects what such White women themselves lust for in YOU!


      • Titziana

        Sgaither when you fall in love you don’t see colors or nationalities, is incredible that at this time we keep segregating and pointing at even within our own community. Don’t take me wrong, I know the painful background we’re coming from and that ’till this day we’re suffering from, no doubt about it, but we have to stop living that victim stigma, free ourselves first..
        I also found your article passively racist, “the brunette” is been her long time gf, why to put tags? let’s start by giving the example. Choosing a life partner shouldn’t be a matter of races, that’s idiosyncrasy, but a personal choice whatever we look like, wherever we come from.


    • Rachel

      hahahahaha Jan, I like your style. I think the author has a problem with white women.


  2. Miss Avid

    “I hoped and silently prayed that brother Jones was proposing to a Tasha, Tamika or Tonya, even though I knew in my heart that he wasn’t.” Really??? Wow! What on earth?!? Why would you care?! What business is of yours? Why don’t you man up and show us how it’s done? “Do right by some sister”.

    Then only a few sentences down… “(After watching the show, I can understand why these particular women didn’t make the cut, but still.)” But still?
    Why would anyone let you post this junk?
    It’s real hard to find true love, a true connection. You may have not found love yet because you have narrowed your mind and your pickings.
    Trust me, I have girlfriends of all races and we are not really that different. This is 2012 in case you didn’t realize.


    • Like I said at the beginning of the post, finding true love is a beautiful thing. I just wish that Black men would be more apt to look for it amongst Black women. I definitely realize that it’s 2012, that’s what really saddens me– we don’t celebrate love between Black women and men at the level we should.

      I think it’s unfair of you to take issue with my opinion in this article when you say I’ve “narrowed my mind and my pickings” because I prefer Black women. Black women are a diverse group and like you said about you and your Rainbow Coalition of Girlfriends, the differences aren’t that pronounced between the ethnic groups so anything I can find in a woman of another race I can find in a Black woman! Thanks for reading my post, though!


      • The year 2012, 2013 or 6789 should it exist are completely irrelevant when speaking about the System of Racism (White Supremacy) and it’s damaging effects on non-white people. The year “being 2012″ hasn’t stopped White Supremacists from practicing Racism/White Supremacy. It hasn’t stopped White people from bedding black people while they CONTINUE to practice Racism and take advantage of the system of non-justice that harms Black people in all areas of people activity. 2012 didn’t change the fact that a non-white president (with a White mother and his black wife and children are more abused, mistreated and threatened by people who appear and identify as “White”) has more de-th threats against him than ANY OTHER PRESIDENT. That asinine “it’s this year and that year” insert only comes to shut people who are talking about the effects of Racism (White Supremacy) up or to avoid addressing the problem and it’s effects (usually the victims of Racism do the avoiding.)


  3. Jessica

    Personally, I’m all for love, whether it’s black love or interracial love. But I see Steven’s point. I’m just surprised that response has been so negative.

    Ms Avid, I’m going to go out on the limb and assume that you’re not a black woman. Maybe you are. But judging by your response, you’re probably not. Why does your race matter? Allow me to explain:

    While I agree that all women – white, black, brown, whatever – are basically the same when it comes to what we want; culturally, we are not. This isn’t too imply that one culture is better than the other, but they are different. WIth that said, the black dating experience is nothing like the Caucasian dating experience or that of any other race. If you dare to assume they are the same, you’ll be showing your naiveté. Those who assume that black men who prefer black women are being narrow minded are usually oblivious to the cultural issues of dating in the black community.

    It’s been widely discussed in the black community that many successful black men don’t value black women as they do white women. Thanks to negative stereotypes, black women have been diminished and seen as worthy sex partners but not worthy wives or worthy of being truly appreciated. And it’s becoming a common assumption in the black community that black men put white women on a pedestal.

    This isn’t Steven’s “narrow mindedness” or mines (as I’m sure you’ll attempt to assert). It’s a strong belief for a significant swath of the black community. I believe Steven’s stance is acknowledging that contention and suggesting that black men reevaluate how they treat the women in their culture. You’d have to be apart of the culture to understand that. And clearly you’re not. And that’s fine. But please understand that your obliviousness to this issue makes it impossible for you to understand the context of this article.


    • girlie

      Well said :)


  4. Andre

    Man, I chuckled a bit when I saw this but hey, it’s 2012. Some brothers like white women but myself, I love the sisters and am happily married to one. I never understood why entertainers and athletes marry white women over black women, but I guess at the end of the day I prefer a sister. I was raised by sisters and that’s pretty much what I know. Gotta lovem’. :)


  5. I bet you that white woman was on birth control. That’s one thing i’ve never understood about Basketball wives and those women who hold down those athletes. What about the fact that you got pregnant with no ring and no promise of a future makes it confusing for why he doesn’t see you as marriage material? Don’t you think that’s a little dumb?

    “Genuinely good Black women who manage their mate’s money, take care of the children and will be there to stand by them long after they’ve hung up their cleats.” — This is about as common as Good Black men. It’s pretty rough for these two to ever meet.

    “If Basketball Wives have taught us anything, it’s that brothers don’t mind making babies with these women, but few of them ever get the dignity of actually becoming Mrs. Ballplayer.” — Stop watching these shows… like yesterday.

    “I’m tired of seeing athletes and entertainers, not to mention regular brothers, put White women on a pedestal while Black women are regarded as little more than breeders.” — Manage expectations until you get a ring if you want a ring. In other words, get on birth control. Leave if he won’t give you what you want.


  6. I’m tired of seeing athletes and entertainers, not to mention regular brothers, put White women on a pedestal while Black women are regarded as little more than breeders. I’m all for loving whoever you’re with, but Brothers we have to do better by the Sisters.

    Based on what, sir? To give some context:

    US Census Data: 8% of black males who are living at or near poverty have a white wife, and 9% of black males who are middle class or better have a white wife. Among married black men with a personal income of more than $100,000, 12% have a white wife, 83% have a black wife, and 5% have a wife who is neither black nor white. Six percent of married black men who are high school dropouts have a white wife and 92% have black wives. Among black men with college degrees, 10% have a white wife and 85% have black wives. Among black male professional athletes, 72.8% are married to black women, 22.2% are married to white women, and 5% are married to women who are neither black nor white.

    In all instances, the majority of black men marry black women. Is your goal to make this number 100%? Conversely, if white people are equally disappointed when white women (or men) marry black men (or women), I hope you are as equally passionate in trumpeting their right to be as disappointed as you seem to be.


    • Perception is one thing, you can’t argue with hard # statistics though. Point well made WisdomlsMisery.


    • earl dixon

      Good points well said


    • El

      WOW!!! Thank you WisdomisMisery!!! Thank you folks for coming out for todays sermon…Please leave money in the collection plate and see you next Sunday morning!!!

      Love who you love as long as it’s true love, it’s hard to find TRUE LOVE so why limit the already limited pool of good, selfless people who even know how to TRUELY love another person let alone you! Think about the odds nowadays with divorce numbers SO high (think what the numbers would be if you could track the relationships that ended that weren’t officially married), obviously those numbers “wisdom” just quoted lets you know the old “near the same age”, “the same color”, “the same religion”, “the same socio-economic group”, “opposite gender” rules aren’t working…the numbers don’t lie if you believe the numbers aren’t just the tip of a much larger iceberg.
      I pray SGAITHER you find one who wakes up everyday D-whipped and makes you P-whipped (or P-whipped and D-whipped for my LBGT folks out there!). That is true love. I found it, and if you can’t see past color, age and shape…I have the number for a good lawyer if you need it.


  7. Msrissa

    @SGAITHER. Thank you for supporting black women everywhere! I agree that it would be nice to see more of these athletes and entertainers put black women on a pedestal as much as white women. Im all about interracial relationships and marriage since I am a product of one. Although I feel these entertainers send the wrong message. It is almost expected that if a black man has made it, he must have a white woman. There are so many black women out there who get passed by good black men because of the stereotype that we are all angry, gold diggers, or have to much attitude. Its nice to see a successful black male stand up and appreciate the black woman. Thank you :)


  8. Shauna Canady

    I have been told by a brother “I typically date white women” but I (to keep it simple) was white enough.U love that have morals, manage my money, educated, faithful, and true. But since u don’t no better Ill educate u & thats when I’m not white enough for WHO. Get outta here. If some brothers would step outside their box & gain a little more wordly experience they would realize sisters come n all varieties just as their preferred other race. Steven nothings wrong with your taste. I have no problems with interacial anything but b/c its 2012 doesn’t make that kind of ignorance acceptable. Jan & Rachel (lol) hope this gives u some insight on what Stevens saying. U can’t take offense b/c its not your reality & never will be.


    • Annie

      And, can the the church say, “AMEN”!

      Wow, Shauna Canady….we must be walking very similar experiences. I’ve been told that I’m “white enough” by several bougie bruthas.

      It is so perplexing and sad to see so many beautiful black women who have their stuff together get overlooked, shunned, and talked about by….NEWSFLASH…”black” men. WTF. If we are too educated and have hopes of marrying someone who comes with a similar life experience, we are told we reach to high. Or, just for a parting shot, we are told we are just too darn independent for a man to feel like a man.
      Then, if we give that brutha on the come up a chance, we risk that we may be carrying the relationship or that he may inwardly resent us.

      So, I can absolutely understand what the author is saying. It was…refreshing and healing to have a black man address this very real thing in the black community. This is not a slight to my white sisters, but it’s more about talking about the heart of many of our black men who have finally made it. It appears that many believe that by marrying a white woman, people will no longer notice that he’s black.


      • CEO

        WOW…your last sentence is really HARSH!!!


  9. Nick

    I’m going to put this to bed right now…I’m a brotha who has a THING for white women “yes I said a thing” does that mean I hate BW? No I’ve dated within my race for the better part of my life and I’ve also had to put up with a bunch of crazy nonsense for most it. I’m trying something new and so far so good. WW look at relationships different from BW, they don’t require a uplifting comment all the time and want to argue with you if your eyes wonder for a split second. I love BW! my mother, sister, and the mother of my child are all black, but I can’t spend the rest of my life with a BW!

    I, as well as everyone else on this planet deserves to be happy! Do you Mr. Jones get it on with your WW who cares if people don’t get it or like it (look at his moms in the pic).


  10. Chas0x01

    Many black women are not wife material. Unfortunately few black men have the guts to say this to them.


    • Annie

      Wow! What a sweeping generalization. Not trying to disrespect your opinion, but I’m amazed at what you wrote. I’d be curious to understand your perspective on what “good” wife material is. I don’t know where you live, how you’ve grown up, what types of black women have been in your life, what you are watching, or who you may be attracted to. However, from my world, I see lots of great black women surrounding me. They come in all shapes, sizes, skin tones, educational backgrounds, etc…. Beauty and wife material are all in the eye of the beholder. And, yes, there are some- SOME black women that won’t be winning the Martha Stewart homemaker award for housewife material. But, there are a bunch of non-black broads around that don’t scream “wife material” either.

      And, I could go there about black men, but I choose not to stereotype or generalize. There are plenty that I see that don’t appear to be husband material in no way, shape, form or fashion. However, they aren’t all, many, or most black men, they are SOME.

      Have a great day.


  11. P

    I read some of the comments and I’m utterly disappointed in such negative responses to the article. While so many people are criticizing because you seem anti-white/ statistically off, everything you stated in the article is only proved to be true because you have a few men here saying “i date white women, basically because black women are drama.”

    What I got from the article is not that black men should only LIMIT themselves to black women, but they should be more open to them. You marrying a white woman because she’s less drama than a black woman seems fine and dandy, but what about when you have a real racism issue at work that has you over the top angry and dramatic and she can’t understand you/your reactions?

    I’m all about you like/love who you like/love but we definitely need to do better in how we go about liking/loving someone. If you are going to categorize white women as: less drama, more independent, better educated, of course your going to overlook the many black women who happen to have just the same credentials, and vice versa. In such a case it might mean more to have a women with all those qualities + she can relate to more because of race. (IJS) it could at the end of the day be a plus, but it could also still be better “for you” to date that white woman, it is a case to case and should always be that way. Thank you contributor!



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