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July 18, 2012

SBF – The “Single” Father

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Written by: singleblackf
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The “Single” Father…

When I was a few years younger I had a checklist of all the qualifications that a man must meet in order to be interviewed for that coveted boyfriend position. Of course he should be gainfully employed for starters, 6 feet tall, dark and handsome. Well dressed, deep baritone voice, and the list went on and on and on. Having children was somewhere on the top of my list of no-no’s. but as I get older I slowly scratched some of those must haves and put them on my wishful thinking list. I wish I could find a rich man with a nice car, abs of steel, and a big Mandingo to match. Now I’ll settle for a man who’s just got a plain j.o.b., who just has a car period, and as long as he knows how to use his peter, size doesn’t matter (within reason of course). I can now say that I’ve dated men who were in “transition phases” at that moment. The, “I’m just taking some time to figure out what I want to do with my life before I get back to work” men. I’ve dated the in-and-out of court men who seen to always be at the wrong place at the wrong time. [These men are always claiming they were wrongfully accused of something and ride in the back of cop cars like taxis routinely.] I’ve dated the “my wife and I are separated” men, who in my opinion never really leave their wives. And I recently scratched another one-off of my list – the single father. A father of two whose parental duties included: spending every weekend with his children, jumping as high as his baby mother commands, and spending every last dollar on his children.

Let me start off by first recognizing the men out there who are standup fathers and do what they have to do for their children. Those few men who disregard their responsibilities have totally ruined my views on what it means to be a baby-daddy versus a real father. It’s just that I have too many girlfriends who are struggling as single mothers while their deadbeat baby-daddy’s carry on with their lives as though their children will raise themselves. For those men life is just a party it seems. My girlfriends warn me about sleeping with the wrong men and having children for men who don’t want to be fathers. As a result I’ve avoided dating single fathers like the plague. I don’t like drama; and when dating nowadays is as difficult as it is, adding a baby mother and child into the equation can be too much to deal with. However, as I age I recognize that the likelihood of me dating a man without a child is becoming increasingly slimmer.

Those men who disregard their responsibilities have totally ruined my views on what it means to be a baby-daddy versus a real father

So I took a chance and dated a father of two – the oldest was five and the youngest two years old. He loved his children with all of his heart, and as part of his arrangement with his ex he was to have his children on the weekends. Now this is probably the same situation many single fathers are in right now. Baby mama has the kids during the weekdays while the baby daddy rings her doorbell Friday night and drops the kids off on Sunday. Sounds like the perfect arrangement until you’re the girlfriend of a man in this situation. This means that as the girlfriend you have no rights to a free weekend with your boyfriend. This means that he needs to ask permission from his baby mama every time he wants to back out of his fatherly duties in the name of hanging out with you, the girlfriend. This means that as a loving, caring, and understanding girlfriend you’ve got to stand by your man and babysit his children with him on his off days (that is if you want to spend some quality time with him). Call me selfish but as the girlfriend this weekend arrangement thing just isn’t cutting it.

when dating nowadays is as difficult as it is, adding a baby mother and child into the equation can be too much

Then there was the random phone calls from the baby mother. The “our child needs this right now” call. This call could come at any moment and any day or time of the week. This resulted in my boyfriend jumping real high to reach the top of her list of requests. Of course as a real father he was there when needed but these random calls stopped being so random. And requests slowly became demands, and then criticisms on what he isn’t doing right as a man. So as the girlfriend it became increasingly difficult for me to turn a blind eye to the frequent phone calls and ‘emergencies’ that were really minor mishaps. As the girlfriend I’m expected to just accept that when dating a man with children this is what comes with it and I just have to deal with it.

Is it selfish of me to hate that as a girlfriend to a single father I am to just accept that his money is better spent on the kids instead if me? Should I accept that there will be no wining and dining, trips, or champagne and caviar for me? Splurging and surprise gifts are infrequent, pennies are pinched, and date nights become play dates with the kids in the neighborhood. I know that dating a single father means that I technically signed up for all of this but when does the balance between his family life and relationship come into play?

For the women who have been in this situation how did you cope with dating a man with children? And for the single fathers how do you balance dating and fatherhood?

Speak on it!


Twitter: Singleblkf

Did you miss her debut post on WhatBlackMenWant? Check it out: He Cheats Because He Loves Me.

About the Author

A Single Black Female's perspective on love, life, and living with the black men who just don't understand what women want.




  1. Armand

    F this chick, that’s why she’s single. Who gives a crap about what she has to say. I bet she looks like Star Jones and Rupaul mixed into one.

  2. Luke

    I thought her last blog was actually funny. I don’t care that she is single. Just an entertaining read.

  3. Calvin Mercer

    I am not sure what Armand point was about. What ever this girl looks like has nothing to do with this post. Brother you need to stop playing internet gangster and read what she is saying.

    On that note, I am a single father with similar arrangements that SBF described. I have my kids on the weekend and the kids are with their mother during the week days. I do find it hard to date sometimes because I have my kids but love my time with the kids. If a women wants to come into my life she has to understand that I do have responabilites. Just the same as I would respect a single mother.

    I just think SBF is being a bit selfish. What does she expect dude to do? Get rid of his kids. Just play your role in the background and grow with the situation.

  4. Matty Don

    I have never heard this angle of the female/baby daddy experience. Thought women were just patient. I guess not. So now I have to look out for selfish women like SBF. No wonder why she single…

  5. Moe

    This article is too funny. Sounds like SBF is just an attention hoe. How can a man let some random chick get in between his kids. And if a man allows that he is not a good father. I have to agree with Calvin. Play your role in the background. Suck it up or you will be single all your life.

  6. water

    In defense of SBF, I’ve dated a woman with kids before. She’s right. If you want to spend time with her, you’re spending time with the kids. On top of that you have little to no control over the kids’ behavior because you aren’t their real parent. I also had to deal with a baby father who understandably wasn’t happy to see me around his kids. He doesn’t want his kids being around new men, and deep down he knows that I won’t care about his kids because they didn’t come from me.

    After a while the situation all became too much for me. It felt like i had fast forwarded my life past all of the careless fun parts and got right into being responsible.

    If you get with a person who has kids you have to expect to deal with the kids, and the other parent. this is double if the kid or kids are younger. If i kid is only 2, then there’s a good chance that at least one of the parents are still holding on to the hope of getting the family back together.

    Sure, if you really want to make things work out, you will put up with some inconveniences to stay together. Yes it may be selfish to want to be in a relationship without baggage, but so what? It’s way more fun! SBF isn’t saying anything new. If you get with someone and they have kids, you may be ok with it, but nobody is out there praying for finding a girl, or a guy with kids.

    I’ll go as far as saying we’d all prefer a clean start.

  7. MizAvid

    As a woman I have to agree with the 1st two paragraphs here.
    Now when it comes to the “babies’ mama” I have to agree with Water’s comment, It is doubtful that both parties are completely over the other.
    The youngest is 2 so the break-up must be new, it will take time but some boundaries should be made. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest that a father take the kids 3 weekends a month, you would think a mom would require a least one weekend with her children (most dads get every other weekend)? I would be concerned that if he’s not making an effort, he might not be that into you. And straight, kids or no kids; his money shouldn’t be your concern.
    The choice to date a single parent means you should be ok with lots of fun with the kids. You can still have date night like any parental unit. You could “splurge/surprise” him? And I would suggest getting creative; after kids are asleep surprise your man with take-out & a movie, maybe a bottle of wine, a back rub(show him how amazing you can be). Parents don’t get the night off and find ways to spend quality time. Be Patient it might payoff, if you think he’s worth it that is ;)

  8. Lando

    I’ve seen a few of my friends go through this complicated dance routine; miss stepping, dancing to a different beat altogether, then ultimately leaving the jam early.
    That’s why….if I were ever thrust back into the game, the number 1. prerequisite on my list would be no kids. NO KIDS!! I would find the boldest, blackest font found in cyberspace and use it to crown my list.
    Oh that’s pretty unreasonable someone may say, besides don’t you have kids? I sure do. And I would understand if I were overlooked because of that.
    I just don’t want to be that guy in the bar…” oh I dated a woman with kids once…it’s a tough racquet…” as he swigs his gin.
    This topic does bring me back to a song way back when…You down with O.P.P? Other People’s Pickney!? Naw, man not me…

  9. Amariah

    I am in agreement with SBF…it is a sacrifice on a woman’s part to be with a man who has children. While I commend these fathers for stepping up to the plate and taking care of their responsibilities, it can be difficult for for a girlfriend who herself does not have any children to adapt to this new found lifestyle. At the end of the day it all comes down to choice and if you chose to date someone with children then you should accept everything that goes along with it. SBF is just expressing her opinion which she is entitled to.

  10. Annie

    I commend SBF for being really transparent and honest. If she tried dating a single father and doesn’t like it, that’s her right. It doesn’t make her selfish if she didn’t enjoy working around crayons and tonka toys to spend quality time with her man. It’s called personal preferences. The time, compromise, expense, and sacrifice that she had to make were heavily weighted to her detriment. And, any single father that says SBF is selfish makes me think that they, themselves are just as selfish — if not more so. Children are wonderful, precious, and fun. But, they are a big deal. Before a person enters this type of relationship, they need to be really clear about the reality of it. It’s not just a little compromise like dating someone 5’6 vs. 6’0. It’s a situation that is more complex and involved than a typical dating relationship when you both don’t have any kids. It just is.

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