…Inside The Black Man's World


September 6, 2011

Dear Men: Have a F*%#ing Plan!

Man Plan

It’s hard out here for a single Black girl trying to get a date. We have to compete with jobs, recreational basketball leagues, and Madden 2011 to get on a man’s radar. Then we have to break through the clutter of the hordes of scantily-clad scandlebags competing for his attention. Then we have to dazzle him with our winning personality and impress him with our self-sufficiency without making him think we’re out of his league. Then we have to give him the hint that we’ll knock his socks off in the bedroom without giving off the “I’m a hoe” vibe. Getting a man’s number is an effing workout.

But it doesn’t stop there. We have to get him on the phone. Sustain his interest while simultaneously detecting the right moment to end the call so as to leave him wanting more. Let him know that we’d like to spend time with him without setting off the “I’m trying to wife you down” alarm bells. The shit is just draining.

Nine times out of ten, the whole thing is going to fizzle out and die a premature death before anything gets off the ground. He’ll be in a busy phase or a complicated phase or a selfish phase. He’ll forget to return your phone call, or insist on only communicating via text message. The process of trying to convert the exchange of phone numbers to a real live, bona fide first date is more complex than the algorhythm that powers Google search.

But should the stars align in such a way so as to get us to the holy grail of a first date, oh the smiles that ensue. That period of time between when a man asks a woman out and when they actually go is filled with smug elation, blind hope, and frenzied preparation. So by the time date day comes we are fucking tired.

So men, consider all of this when I ask you to please have a fucking plan.

See the trouble is that men, hot commodity that they are, think their work is done once they ask a woman on a date. They might have a vague idea of what they want to do on said date, but apparently they’ll be damned before they lift a finger to bring that idea to fruition. They know they want to see a movie but they don’t know which one, at which theatre, or what time. They think they’d like to grab a bite but they don’t have a spot in mind, nor a neighbourhood, nor a type of cuisine. All they know is if they sit back with a dumb look on their faces long enough, the woman will pull out her smartphone and start researching fun things to do.

My dudes! This is not how the game is supposed to be played.

The courtship ritual is a complicated dance and we both have our roles to play. Women are supposed to show up smelling good, act be engrossed in your every word, and look good enough to eat. We may offer suggestions of what might be fun things to do, or provide our opinion on your suggestions, but we’re not supposed to be in charge of the date. Nor are we supposed to psychically intuit exactly what it is you feel like doing when you veto all the options we offer.

Dear men, part of the purpose of a first date is to convey your interest in the woman. Yes it’s an opportunity for you to get to know each other, but you could do that via gchat or over the phone. Asking a woman on a date lets her know you’re interested, just as her acceptance of said date conveys her reciprocal interest. A woman wants to know that the man has been thinking about how he’d like to spend time with her. That he’s put effort into coming up with something to do that she’ll enjoy. When you show up with an “I don’t care what we do” attitude, it makes the woman think that you don’t care if she has a good time. You know what a woman thinks when you show up for a date with no plan? That you don’t give a shit. Or that you’re a lazy fucker she’s going to have to manage for the entire duration of your relationship. And do you know what those thoughts do to a woman? Dry her the fuck up.

Nothing is more frustrating to a woman than when she gets her hair done, her nails done, and goes through three rounds of wardrobe consultation with her girlfriends to get ready for a date that has no direction. After researching the things you like and coming up with soundbites she can drop to keep the conversation flowing, there is nothing more irksome than the knowledge that the man has put nowhere near as much thought and preparation into the date as she has.

So men, here is your free advice of the day: when you ask a woman on a date, have a fucking plan. I promise that your chances of first date pussy a second date will increase exponentially.

About the Author

Max is the perpetually single girl who gives great relationship advice. Offering up her (bad) dating experiences – and those of her unsuspecting friends – as comedy for her readers, she doles out her own special brand of relationship logic.




  1. Sagey

    Great! I agree all the way around.

  2. Yezzir!

  3. [...] me what I want to do on a date and over the one who bullies me into doing what he wants or worse, doesn’t even know what he wants to do. These days, if you’re not nice to me I don’t want to know about [...]

  4. [...] me what I want to do on a date and over the one who bullies me into doing what he wants or worse, doesn’t even know what he wants to do. These days, if you’re not nice to me I don’t want to know about you.I’m no longer interested [...]

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