…Inside The Black Man's World


September 9, 2011

SBF – Can’t We Just Be Cool?

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Written by: singleblackf
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Single Black Female

“We’re just friends.” What a popular line. A line MOST if not all of us, male and female have used. Or… “He’s/she’s just like a brother/sister to me.” These are as old as time and depending on the situation and person it may or may not be true. One thing for certain is it has ruined relationships, broken trust, and ended friendships. Apparently men and women are not supposed to fraternize outside of relationships. Even long-term friends stop speaking when one or both are in relationships. Unless their partner is understanding and approving of the friend, there’s a slim chance having a lot or even one close friend of the opposite sex will be accepted. Even then you are under a watchful eye. Going out alone with your friend of the opposite sex is out of the question most of the time and don’t even talk about them if your partner knows you’ve been intimate with this person.

One of the biggest fears people have about getting into relationships is losing their personal space, their free will, and most importantly certain friends. I can definitely relate to that one. I hate meeting someone I think is special, and getting involved with them only to find out they are the jealous type and that the friends that I keep, whether they are male or female, create some type of problem for them. I hear a lot of single girls and even girls who are in relationships say they would rather be around a group of guys than a group of girls, but it seems as soon as they get into a relationship they stop communicating with all of their guy friends.

Take the time to get to know your mate’s friends… ALL OF THEM.

They even cut off male family members for their jealous boyfriend. I think that is ignorant and outrageous. In most cases I’ve seen and experienced, the boyfriend has plenty of female acquaintances and the girlfriend has no male counterparts. I just don’t get it. I think that a relationship is built on trust, and that both the girl and the guy should be able to know and socialize with each others friends without feeling threatened by them. Now I must say this… if a friend is being blatantly disrespectful it’s time to let them know the deal. You know the home girl who’s too touchy-feely or the guy friend who calls at inappropriate hours. Those people are the rotten apples who have perpetuated the negative connotation surrounding this whole situation.

Ladies and gentlemen believe me when I say; if you love someone you will go the distance. Take the time to get to know your mate’s friends… ALL OF THEM. You will find out so much more about your loved one. For my single people’s; learn as much as you can about the person you’re dating especially whether they are the jealous type or not. That will play a huge factor on the future of your relationship. Jealous boyfriends and girlfriends eventually make relationships unbearable. They use and abuse their position as your mate. They manipulate until they get you alone to themselves, which sometimes leaves you alone. Don’t become trapped and locked away from the world. I’ve heard of people cutting off their family for a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. It’s ridiculous to me. I just don’t get it. As much as I love my close family and friends… you must be crazy! I say “You better learn to love them too”.

Single ladies this one is for you: Why is it that being cool with a guy is never enough? They always want “more” and you all know what “more” I’m talking about… It’s safe to say that eventually you will be tried by every man who claims to be your homie. If it’s not because he wants to get you in bed then it’s because he wants a relationship. I know women do it too, but in a single girl’s world… we just wanna be cool. We want to have fun, get your male opinion, and just kick it. If we find you attractive that doesn’t automatically mean we want to get in bed with you guys. Personally, I want what I want when I want it, so there’s no rushing me. Just be cool, play your part, and see where it leads. It’s pretty simple. No need to make things more than what they are. Having fun isn’t supposed to be complicated so why can’t we just be cool?

Last SBF article: Who Fronts the Bill?

Follow me on Twitter: @Singleblackf

About the Author

A Single Black Female's perspective on love, life, and living with the black men who just don't understand what women want.



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  1. water

    If I’m with a girl, I want her to have friends. It takes pressure off of me. If i’m the centre of her world, that gets annoying. A girl should definately have friends outside of the relationship.

    As far as my girl having male friends? Oh please! Ok, I understand, you have some friends that you’ve known from high school or work etc. If those guys are part of the groub when a bunch of you go out…. Well, I’d view that on a case by case basis. But as far as her just going out with her guy friend? Jus her and a nex man? Sell that somewhere else.

    I’ve been that guy friend. It’s a lame yet predatory position. Like an injured tiger. The tiger shows the deer that he’s cool because he can’t pounce anymore. In reality he’s afraid to pounce. Betting bucked may hurt the young tiger. So our young tiger hangs around with the deer. The deer knows the tiger wants to bite her, but she is just happy that some majestic tiger is spending time with her and making her feel desirable. Eventually his hunger will bring out the tiger one day. The deer will run away and say, “All you tigers are the same!” Even though the deer knew this all along.

    First of all as men we know that if we have female friends we’ve generally thought about banging them before. Unless they’re not hot at all. If this is the case, meaning your girl is so busted that you aren’t worried about other guys trying to bang her, you could do better.

    Since we know that your “man friends” want to do something, because we would, I just say, nay! telling me he see you as a sister doesn’t convince me, because it’s simply a silly argument. You’re not him. I understand him better than you do, because I share his hormonal make up.

    They treat you like one of the guys you say? I’m guessing they never gave wedgie you in high school, never gave you birthday beatings, and they never brought you along used you as a wingman when for picking up women. That’s what guys do, so you’re not “just one of the guys.”

    The reason why certain women would always be around guys than girls is because they like the special attention they get from guys. The reason these “buddy” girls don’t feel good around girls is because they don’t get the same intense attention. Why? because your girlfriends don’t want to bang you. Your “guy friends” do.


    I’m rolling my eyes as I write this.

    • elle

      I know this is absolutely true what you’re saying. My boyfriend, now husband, tried to sell me on the fact that he was “different” from this when it came to his friends who are women. I think it’s not a coincidence that all but one of this women is pretty attractive. Thankfully for him, he understands boundaries.

      I have met all of these women, he introduced me. When the intros are not forthcoming or the friends in question appear out of the blue, that is they aren’t high school, college or work people, you know there are issues. That said, there is always some underlying sexual tension in this cross sex friendships. The person enjoys the ego lift from the opposite sex friend and has definitely thought about bagging said friend (male and female alike, btw.) This is only natural.

      Again, we come back to boundaries. For people who wish to be trusted, you must behave as if you are trustworthy. For me, suspicious behavior points to suspicious actions and I’m not trying to trust you anymore. I’m a trust a verify type of person.

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